The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?
The rise of human population, an ongoing global concern, is caused by technological advancements since the Industrial Revolution. While this issue is widely considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is climate change.
A concise introduction. The first sentence both acknowledges the general statement in the topic question and explain the cause of population rise. The second one provides an opinion from the author.
To make good use of emphasis in Writing, place the most important keywords at the beginning and/or the end of your sentences.
A rapid growth of human population usually coincides with a technological outbreak. Since the Industrial Revolution, human society has gradually shifted from craft production to machines. Thus, for the first time, mass production is available. This situation increases life expectancy of the majority of the people by providing stable food supplies and medical treatments. Consequently, world population has risen; now it has passed the point of 7.5 billion.
K-3 words in the Body 1: coincides, consequently, craft, gradually, majority, revolution.
Good use of cohesion. The author starts with the cohesive device “since”, then “thus”, then “this situation”, and last “consequently”.
In the phrase “7.5 billion (people)”, the word “billion” is in singular form.
The consequences of an increasing population are detrimental. Overpopulation is the reason for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation. Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas.
The author has remembered to start every paragraph with a topic sentence.
Good collocations here: resource depletion, environmental degradation.
Good use of sentence structuring. In the phrase “Unemployment is also seen in densely populated areas”, “unemployment” is the effect, and “a densely populated area” is the cause. But in the previous sentence, the cause (“overpopulation”) is placed in front of the effect (“overconsumption”).
However, climate change, instead of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. Many developed nations have low birth rates due to high level of education; therefore, overpopulation does not happen on a global scale. By contrast, climate change has been affecting both of ecosystems and social systems around the world. From an environmental perspective, climate change creates more extreme weather conditions, thus hampering the agricultural industry. Furthermore, global warming leads to sea level rises, which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate. This situation causes many social issues, such as overpopulation or criminality.
Good use of contrasting language: does not happen on a global scale vs around the world.
The author has provided evidences for supporting his view.
“From an environmental perspective, …” supports the idea of “ecosystems are affected by climate change”
“... which forces the people in coastal regions to migrate …” supports the idea of “social systems are affected by climate change”
Overall, the author has used many academic words in his essay, precisely and appropriately.
To conclude, the recent rise of world population happens due to technological advancements. Nevertheless, despite human overpopulation and its negative effects, what should be addressed first and foremost is climate change.