4.5分的作文是什么样子的?有哪些地方是需要注意和提升的?这些问题,我们今天来为大家一一讲解,就以一篇学生作文和老师批改为例子,供大家理解和学习。接下来请看智课雅思内容:雅思写作4.5范文及老师批改

  雅思写作4.5范文

  剑桥8Test2 小作文 类4.5分雅思小作文

  1.作文题目:剑桥8 Test2 小作文 three pie charts below show annualspending particularUK school 1981,1991 mainfeatures, makecomparisons where relevant.

  2.考生原文

  Here somepie charts about total school spending change three different years (1981), (1991), (2001).Compare threediagrams, we can easily find out Teacher’ssalaries biggestpercentage overall. firstchart, furniture & equipment insuranceboth have verylow percentage. After 10 years, teacher absorb even more finance. Furniture & equipment only one third itselfago. Let’s move secondchart. Resources insurancestart containmore money, resourcesgot 30years. Also teacher’s salaries climbed (its)top, just half totalspending (50%). Finally, figure thirdchart becomingmore reasonable now. Maybe relay resourcesreduced lot.People start thinkinsurance morewww.sunrayedu.com important, maximumvalue 8%. During maintenancemove from teachers otherstaff makeschool students.

  3.老师批改 文中标识:用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加 Here somepie charts about total school spending change threedifferent years (1981), (1991), (2001).(introduction 中使用here are,较为口语和非正式,可改为:The pie charts give information about;时间表达方面,不需要每个年份单独 一个括号,可改为in three different years(1981,1991 2001),也可以不罗列具体年份的数字) Compare threediagrams, we can easily find out Teacher’ssalaries biggestpercentage overall. (句首的表 达不符合学术写作的正式用语,并且后面的时态有误,建议本句改为: teachers’salaries had biggestpercentage schoolspending threeyears.)On firstchart(不必对图形排序,应 直接点出具体时间,改为:In 1981), furniture & equipment insuranceboth have(本篇主体陈述应为过去时态) verylow percentage. After 10 years, teacher absorb even more finance(教师薪资 作为支出项目,比重增长,不能理解为老师吸收更多资金,本句表达有误,可改为:teachers’ salaries rose significantly). Furniture & equipment only one third itselfago.(本句缺少谓语动词,only 不能 直接放在主语后面,可改为:Money spent only5%, one third 1981.)Let’s move secondchart. (let’s 是非正式用法,不适用,可直接写However, insurancestart containmore money(表达上升 趋势用词不当,可改为spending resourcesincreased noticeably 20%while insuranceslightly grew resourcesgot speak(“达到高峰”正确表达:reachedits peak)in 30years. Also teacher’s salaries climbed it’s(its)top, just half totalspending (50%). (just 这里缺少一个成分,导致句意不全。可改为: representing half totalspending 50%)Finally, figure thirdchart becomingmore reasonable now. Maybe relay resourcesreduced lot.Peoplestart thinkinsurance moreimportant, reachit’smaximum value8%. (本段多为主观猜测,偏离小作文的做 题要求,对TA www.sunrayedu.com得分造成较大问题。 保险支出的描写,建议:Insurance cost experienced consistentgrowth, reaching 8% 2001.)During 明)movefrom teachers otherstaff makeschool students.(主观猜测,同上)

  4.作文总评 葡萄本次批改严格按照IELTS 小作文评分标准进行。IELTS 小作文评分 项:TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准 LR(词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。 总评 4.5(TA4.5 CC5.0 GRA 4.5 LR4.5) 内容上虽有对各项支出的提及,但整体较为凌乱,不能很好反映出本动态图的特征,而且添加了主观 猜测,和小作文的题目要求不符 全文结构完整,段落之间层次分明,但是按照时间来分段,在陈述上会有一定内容重复,不是很简洁 的混淆、contain、absorb)以及语法错误(比如动词时态) 频繁,影响表达效果

  以上为课雅思内容:雅思写作4.5范文及老师批改。点击上面蓝色链接,就可以进入下载页面,给大家准备了干货考鸭必备>>>>>>2012年雅思写作范文大汇总。预祝各位雅思考试取得出色的成绩~

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